Day 22: T______________T

Aku rasa aku punya kelenjar air mata super d...


See, it happened again!!! I'm crying again now.....

I'm really really confused....


I mean, I finally see some brightness today. I'm happy Julian shares the same view with me. He said he's also think Russian couple aren't contributing enough when it was her who started all of this at the 1st place. He even offered to talk to Mabillon if the situation stays like this...and to tell him that all of these are his & mine presentation but not theirs. Now that one is a bit extreme but in a sense, it's true. Hello, those two left us when we haven't done any work yet and only back at Thursday!!

And Julian even comfort me when I told him I'm worried with such a short time. I told him I'm worried since I've never done this before, that I'm nervous about presentation, that I can;t do this in the last minute...and he said I need to relax & I'll be fine during presentation bcoz he understands my english.

For the last line, I feel bad because he compared me with yesterday's supervision presentation. He said he didn't understand anything since the group's english is really bad and accented. But I can't blame them....they are all Chinese/Taiwanese that, except Kurt, are still have their accents. Poor Jeffrey, it was his birthday yesterday and the presentation was deemed bad...


On to top it all....I found out my stupid bunny leader Jay left his group today, due to misunderstandings. Now this is one thing I can understand....because his messages were about culture shock & homesick during his teenage days and as an American, he was very blunt in the way he talked about them. People just too quick to judge things.....and now he left to Seattle to sort his feelings out. And the fans started to feel bad because they later found he had changed his feelings and everything.

I wonder if I'm like that too now.....only, as an Asian born, I'm more introvert about it.


And as a result, I often cry.


Maybe in a sense it's a good thing? I can let out my feelings somewhat....

And Phuong has learned to leave me alone at times like this, thank God. I prefer that way...so I won't feel guilty making my friends, who are already busy with their own projects, worried about me.

And another factor of my tears, still related to darkness, is about the lights in our room. I think we don't have enough light, what about winter?? I hope it won't increase my minus eyes...


Dear Jesus, please help me gain more strength. How can I understand others when I can't even understand myself? I want to talk to my family, call them or anything, but it's like 2:30 am in Indonesia, I can't disturb them. They have other things to take care of. I hope engkong will get well soon....
And that's why I thank You for giving Jinji in my life, she's a very good friend & she always listens to my ramblings, no matter weird they are.
This time I don't care if I wake up with swollen eyes again tomorrow, at least I don't have class tomorrow.


I hope I can be stronger as the days passed. Jay, get back to your group, life isn't the same without you & your dorkiness~


I'll call it a day now...

Day 21: I'm.....numb?

At first I was worried.

Then I was annoyed. Really really annoyed.

My group mates are so irresponsible!!!!

Julian did work hard for the interview but he didn't realize our presentation is 2 weeks away....

I have no idea of what to write from that 1 1/4 pages of interview result....and how to make it a 3000 words report none the less.

Russian couple are away God-knows-where and will show up in class at Thursday.

Leaving me & Julian confused and have to work to find some info again.

Sweet.


Am I the only one panicking over the whole thing???

AM I too paranoid??

Maybe my tears are already dried up, strangely I'm not crying at all. Only shed some tears earlier today. I'm really looking forward to meet the student councilor....

Back to topic

I guess I should read some info about the whole RD things....if I'm not mistaken we have to do some analysis over this.

*sigh*


Maybe I should've take art path like my brother, at least I won't get frustrated over irresponsible group members and counting counting counting...


On the bright side, I got some info from Audrey about the prices of jackets here, plus cream for winter. Let's see if it'll work. Thanks, Audrey!! Get well soon!!

And poor Phuong....her request to get internship 1st got rejected!! They are so weird, she clearly stated that she has some financial problems and can't pay for the 2nd semester without working & they still insist her to finish 2nd semester 1st without giving advice or alternatives for her problems???


I...


I honestly don't know what to write or think right now...


I think I already gone numb about the whole thing...


I'm pretty sure I'll freak out again when the time is come



I'll call it a day now I guess.....

Day 20 : Why?

Whenever I wrote I don;t understand myself, I seriously mean it.

Because I don't understand why I'm so emo at nights here. Even now.

Even now, where I was happily chatting with my brother & parents before dinner. Where I was laughing --not literally-- of my own silliness, forgot to set the alarm clock and thus, woke up late and missed the morning messe. As a result I have to skip brunch and ate mi gelas, oatmilk and a few bites of waffle for lunch.

If this is what will always happen to me at nights, I don't know what will happen when winter actually comes. When there will be more nights than days.

And btw, this is also the 1st time I really want to skip a class. Really desperate to skip a class.

Why???


I don't understand. Do I hate that class that much? I know it's boring and such but I never wanted to skip a boring class, at least this much, before.

And at the same time I'm also worried about Rooms Division report. I know I'm paranoid but I'm really worried we won't make it. Especially since I have no idea of what to write for a 3000 words report with the interview result is so short, albeit quite descriptive and interesting. Should I include a history of Rooms Division in general and the hotel itself?

If that's the case, I guess I really should skip the class tomorrow. I'm sucks at research and writing reports, I always need a long time to do those so I better prepare myself. I can ask the others what the class will be about, and I'll catch up with their help.


In the mean time, I will try my best to figure out the reason of my insecurities, fear and whatever problems I have. Maybe I'll do a rosary prayer tonight, just to calm myself down (and I hope it'll really help me to calm down).


Right now I feel like there's something gripped my insides....what is it, I have no idea. I don't even have any idea of what that "insides" is....my heart? My feelings? I really really have no idea.


Why is life so difficult?

Why I always feel the time is too short?

When I can grow up?



I....don't even feel like closing the day at this rate.


Simply because I don't know and don't understand what's happening here, with me.


But I'll try to call it a day now, and hope it'll be better day by day.

Day 19: Again....

Yup, again and again and again...


Today started fairly well actually.

Both me & my roommate slept late yesterday and woke up late too. Ok, not really late for me since my eyes already opened since....I don't know, 8 maybe? It was quite a long time before my alarm, set to 9, started ringing. But it wasn't a problem, as long as I got enough sleep. Else I won't function properly.

So after brunch me & my friends went to Migros to buy some foods and body lotion plus face cream in the pharmacy. I don't know which product is good actually, I just follow the others. And maybe it was a slightly bad idea. I mean, I have no idea and I just followed what the others said because they know better than me. Sounds safe and sound. But the problem is, their views of the prices are different than me.

Quin told me l'occitane is good. It is good, I'm sure of it, especially since it's made in France. Obviously can cover the needs. However Iriana is a problem since she....I hope it's not only me....but she seems a bit cold to me. At least that's what I feel today. When I told her I need to buy a jacket, she told me it's better to buy something like H&M because to buy things here probably not very good in quality and with a high price too. I know it's true, I also think like that, but the problem here is I have to go to Montreux to reach H&M and I don't think I will have the time for that. But when I told her this, she simply shrugged. For me, it seemed skeptical. And she's the one who doesn't know the value of money too. It seems like she's too self-centered, or at least she doesn't want to listen to me and my needs.

Too bad, I need her help in this area since she is the one who already experienced snowy days.

In the end, I bought l'occitane face cream and body lotion, plus one nivea soft intensive cream in tube just to try. When we went to Coop I saw Dove body butter and since Iriana said body butter is better in some ways, I bought it too. In total, with the milk and everything, I spent more than 120 francs. Which means, I spent more than 1 jt Rupiah.




I honestly feel very very bad towards my parents. Yes I know the life here is very expensive and I also know what I bought are the necessities....but I also know that I'm very stingy. Which is an advantage in a lot of things, like I won't spend my money for unnecessary things.

My point is, I hope I can somewhat reduce my expenses. I don't know how, but I really want to. School fees are already expensive...


Btw..


Yeah, it happened again. Even though I went out today, have quite some fun and sad due to previous event, I suddenly feel down again at the moment.

And all it takes are supervision research and browsing wiki about HR.

I've decided I don't like hospitality supervision now. The class is boring and.....I can't explain why but I don't like it. In some ways, I kind of regret i dropped business planning and not supervision. In a matter of importance, supervision is more important. In a matter of class and way of studying, business planning is better. I have Iriana in both presentation groups so it's a 50-50 situation.

But seriously, the whole ordeal makes me worried about myself.


A simple curiosity and a peek of my future work interest has made me doubt myself again. I became worried, afraid, because I don't know what the future will bring and will I like it or not, can I handle it or not....why am I so easily scared and stressed?

My emotions can go up and down too easily. TOO easily. Why? When did this start? How did it happened?


I'm trying to focus on supervision project now, I'm worried since the day is near to my contemporary issues project. I honestly don't like it, with my easy-to-stressed condition and two presentations so near to each others....

I know I will suffer a lot.

That's why I'm trying to prepare myself since now, but it's also hard. I easily get distracted, quite moody in doing something, and my worried tendency--again, a big factor....


I don't even know what I can do.


But I can say that I'm more interested in my contemporary issues project rather than supervision one. Simply because my group mates in contemporary issues are much more nicer....and the topic is about culture.


This also makes me wonder, maybe I should've stayed in culture path. But both of this and supervision class are the ones who made me want to try HR.


So the conclusion is: I'm still confused. I don't know what will happen, I will leave all of this to my lovely Jesus Christ. I hope I will feel better after tomorrow's sermon. Maybe I'll do rosary prayer too tomorrow.


I'll.....call it a day now.

Day 18 : A day can make you proud and sad

It was quite....interesting today, I guess?


As usual in Friday mornings, I woke up at 7 to pamper myself with hot shower & light make-up......just to eat breakfast at 8 and then go back to sleep.

Thank God I have the courage (and sane mind) to quit Business Planning. I seriously will die of over-stressed if I do continue. Sorry, Mr. K, but this is my sanity that I'm putting into the life line here.

Anyway, I also cleaned up my room a bit. Yesterday I got an e-mail from the reception, saying that our room will be the exemplary room to show to Glion guests because our is always clean and tidy.

I'm proud of that, really proud~

But it seems like my roommate just doesn't understand why it is our room that got chosen. She doesn't mind, not at all, but she doesn't understand why.

That also makes me don't understand her. She has question marks label at times, at least for me.


By the way, at the noon, she & my band of girls decided to skip english due to presntation preparations. Life's pretty hectic for them now, I hope they'll be ok.
And honestly, I feel a bit envious towards my Taiwanese friend. It's true she has a lot of works to do, because all 3 of her presentations are near to due. But actually, if one look at it carefully, she will have a lot of free time after mid term break. While I'm still have 2 presentations, the days very near to each other, and I know I'll go crazy by the time.

Let's just hope I will survive.


Not to mention at the time it's proably already snowing....and I still remember Fina said snow brings a gloomy feeling.

As if I'm not gloomy enough now?


I still have my doubts time to time. A few days ago I was crying because I don't know what I actually want to do in life, whether I make a good choice or not, etc etc. And the trigger was pictures of my Brazilian friend in Switz.

In a matter of seconds, I started thinking "What am I doing here with these guys, these westerners? Do I really want to work with them?? What if I become like them??"

Okay that sounds a bit racialist but I won't deny that I am racialist, even only slightly.

I love my Asian background, my Chinese/Indonesian origin, and I don't want to change that. I'm pretty conservative and a lot of things here made me baffled and disappointed even. I often see the pictures of my westerner friends partying and I really really really really don't like that. The way they are partying is scary for me, perhaps because it includes a lot of alcohol/booze/smoke/disco/whatever that I never associated to in Indonesia. And I dislike it, which is purely because of stereotypes, and I don't wish to change it.

That's why I told my family and close friends I want to work at a place with large Asian community, such as Toronto, Singapore, Japan, South Korea....or even China and Taiwan, if my mandarin can get any better.

I've sent an e-mail to internship office today, I think I will visit them after lunch at Tuesday to ask for some infos. I'm still not sure if I really want to continue the next semester or not but I think it will be a great pity, a great loss, if I don't continue. I need the degree certificate and the knowledge. I admit I'm afraid (when I am not anyway?) to enter the work, because I have no idea what I will do and what I will encounter once I do, but I also often daydreaming of working in a hotel, in which I can earn money by myself and make my family proud because I manage to survive living abroad alone with me being mommy's girl and all.

HR and FO....I don't know which one is better. I have the brief ideas of working in FO, thanks to Rooms Division class, but HR...I completely clueless. That's why I need to ask the internship office, at least I can know some things to prepare my poor mental. I somewhat more interested in HR though, simply because Mizuno offered me a job in HRD before.

Besides, I'm from cultural studies. I have more interest in human lives, their cultures and society, rather than just counting counting counting and counting.

Also the very main reason why I suddenly decided to throw away F&B for hospitality. I didn't know that F&B has so many counting counting counting, so even though the lecturer is very nice, I simply not interested in the course itself. Too many countings. And I don't like designing menus either. I guess my interest in F&B areas are only because I like to cook and bake, with my own pace, and healthy foods at that.



I'll change the topic.


Weather here is suddenly dropped these days. Usually it was only the weekends that is very cold but now....it started to get cold even in weekdays.

Today's temperature in the morning was 7 and 18 in the afternoon. And it has been raining since yesterday. My poor umbrella ripped a bit but I still can use it.

I'm more worried about the cold spell though. I have sweaters and pullovers but warm jacket and clothes in general, I haven't got any chance to buy them yet. Now this is really worrying. I will visit the jacket shop tomorrow. Will be very dangerous if I can't find anything there. What if its' suddenly snowing?? It sounds impossible, considering now is supposed to be early autumn, but who knows? The weather here is unpredictable and global warming makes it worse...


I hope I can find something tomorrow....



And God bless Indonesia, I hope there will be no more victims or sudden natural disasters. I'm worried about my families and friends.....and the earthquake killed so many people too.....

I don't know what it means since I'm here, safe and sound albeit stressed, but a lot of people died and injured and suffered mental trauma.


I won't consider myself lucky.

But I will do what I can do....


I'll call it a day now.

Day 17 : .................?

As you can see....


I don't know what's wrong with me. I actually wonder if I actually know about myself.

I don't know what I want.

I'm not sure of what I need.

I don't know what to do to find out and answer those questions.

I don't know the purpose of my life and what I want to do in my life.

The last line is probably the worse.


My emotions still going up and down I see. About an hour ago I was crying, again, simply because I suddenly feel like I couldn't stand my life here. Like I couldn't stand what I'm doing here. Like I don't understand what am I doing here.

And I guess I really don't know the answers.

I wonder when will I be free from this up and down emotionally unstable attack, because this really affecting my performance in works.

I'm supposed to do research for tomorrow's group meeting but what did I do? I can't even concentrate, too tired and too deep in those thoughts full of anxiety.....

I'm lucky that nice but loudmouth roommate of mine is sleeping so she won't ask me things I'm probably not ready to answer of.


I think I'll skip breakfast tomorrow, I just want to sleep without distraction and alarm clock. Let's see if I can do that. Because I think I need those peaceful times.

Anyway, I'm worried because I'm not able to sleep late like I used to. If I don't get enough sleep, I can't concentrate in classes and only understand half of it.


Funny how I can feel like this. A few hours ago, after dinner, I still can laughed with my best friends. Half an hour after that, I was out for ice cream with my Chinese and Thai friends.

So how did it happen to be like this?

Last Saturday I went with them to visit the campus and the dorms there in Montreux. We even already decided which dorm we want to live in and with who, as if I already decided I want to stay.

Tsk, I rellay really underestimated myself.

So annoying....



In supervision class, it said that a good leader have to know him/herself.

Ha, I can't be a good leader then. Simply because I don't know myself.


Really, I don't know myself.


I'll try to do some more research before sleep. I guess crying really makes one feel better...

And maybe I should meet the student councilor again if the situation got worse or don't get better.




I'll call it a day. An emo day.

Day 15: I don't know...

O hai....

Just the like the title, I don't understand anything anymore.

Now I've begin to doubt myself. For everything. For anything.

At first, I was happy and proud to have the opportunity to go here. It's rare, I know. Not all people can do what I do right now.

But is it the right path for me?

Is this the right choice of career I want to be?

Most of all, is this what I want to be? What I meant to be?

I don't know...

Maybe I'm in the middle of transition. My previous study is so much different than now. And now I have to face some courses that I'm not even sure I can handle...or like...or even want to attend...

The promising future lies ahead is tempting...but can I grasp it?

Not to mention the homesickness.....

But if I have to go back...

I think I will regret it.....at least now.

I'm not even halfway trying but I'm already feel sick at some parts.

Even though I won't regret my decision to come back, what should I do once I came back?

Not knowing of what should I do after graduated----it is exactly the reason why I came here in the first place. Because I don't know what kind of job I would get, what kind of job I can do....

So I'm stuck in the middle....

And I admit I'm stressed.....depressed even....of all of this....

God, please help me....

Day 14: Switzerland 1st day

Duh.....1st thing came in mind: my english is nothing but engrish, conversation wise T____T

Really, I'm ashamed of myself. Btw before I left, my friend Iriana, who is going to take a PGD too, told me I'll be fine "soalnya org2 SK n Cina kan inggrisnya lebi ngawur" XDD I was laughing when I read that particular message....but now...hhh....I have 2 Chinese & Taiwanese friends, who are my dorm neighbors. Engrishnya lmyn tuh, malah kayanya lebi lancar mreka d....huuh...and now I'm contemplating to take the english class or not...but the credits....

And you know what? Before I left at Cengkareng, I felt at eased more than the days before, when I was often feel dizzy and shaking because I was so nervous. No, when I was at Cengkareng, I was nervous but remained calm most of the time. When I was in the plane, I teared up a bit when I silently prayed to Christ, wishing Him to protect me and making me strong.

My prayer has been answered, I was able to stay calm....even when I was alone in the luxurious Abu Dabhi airport (it's not as luxurious as Singapore's Changi but definitely more luxurious than Tokyo's Narita), when I have to search for my luggage while leaving my laptop and cabin bag alone in the floor, hoping no one dare to steal it. When I met the school's representative was the 1st time I realized that my english is nothing but engrish. I'm disappointed of course, but since I also met new friends from Mexico, Taiwan, China, Vietnam and Thailand, I didn't feel that bad.

I am now quite close to the Vietnam woman, she's my roommate, and also the Taiwanese and the Chinese (they are my neighbors). We even took a walk together around Bulle to check where is the convenience store, the supermarket, the bookstore, etc. I'm quite at ease with them since maybe, just maybe, they feel the same intensity as I'm currently feeling.

But now, when me & the Vietnamese are alone in our room, busy doing anything we're doing with our laptop and internet connection, I feel it again. The very same fear and loneliness I've felt 5 years ago when I first stayed in dormitory when I just got accepted in UI.

I know I'm a mommy's girl. A family girl. Whatever lah....my point is, I really had underestimated my own self, the maturity and my feelings and emotions to accept this. This is my 1st time going so far far away from home, and now I'm overwhelmed with the feeling of....loosing the shelter my family always provided, for the lack of the better words.

Gw abis nangis di wc td, sambil berharap si vietnam ga denger. Diragukan si.....tapi dia pasti jg ngerti kayanya. Gw kan masi anak2, dia udah 27 thn, jelas lebi siap mental. N bbrp hal yg jg memicu gw nangis mgk gara2 ini:
1. gw sambil sms ama nyokap
2. gw nyoba2 onlen sambil chatting ama eiji
3. gw nowel2 tmn gw si kucing poland, yg mana yg bersangkutan rupanya ga nyadar klo gw just a few hours away from her place now (emg aga2 telmi ni anak, tp lucu si :P)
4. si vietnam lg video chat di sblh gw....pastinya klo ga ama kluarganya ya ama temen2nya..

N smua itu jelas cuma bikin gw tambah gimanaaaa gitu......

Honestly, this is embarrassing. I'm 23 already, I'm not a little girl anymore! Okay, I know these feelings are just temporary. Once I got used to the life here, I'll be fine, I know that. But the process until being there still need a lot of works...and tears.

I hope I'll feel at home here, at Glion....but during dinner, I lost my appetite because just half an hour before I drank a glass of sour orange juice. I have to force myself to eat dinner, that the foods were sadly what I'm not exactly fond of. I don't understand how my friends still can eat them after drank the juice and ate a plum and an apple. Hhh...their tummies work differently than mine...


Christ, please make me strong...


I'll call it a day for now, I hope they are enough.....and maybe I'll go cry again in the wc now...

Day 13: *sigh* My complaints....

......definitely not a good news...


Yesterday there were suicide bombings. AGAIN. Jesus, I don't even understand why did they do that....

Yesterday morning there were 2 bombs exploded at JW Mariott hotel and Ritz-Carlton hotel at Mega Kuningan. Actually there is another bomb found but the I think they have managed to stop it explode. The first one, at Mariott, exploded at 7.45 AM and the RC one at 7.47 AM, according to the news. Both were exploded during opening hour, where the workers were preparing things to welcome the guests, and the guests themselves were having breakfasts or just arrived at the places.

Most people think that this is Jamaah Islamiyah doings again. Of course there is no evidence so far, the JI itself is still silent up till now and not bragging about it like before, but the JI is the main suspect for now.

According to the news (MetroTV, Yahoo news, etc), there are 9 killed and about 53 people injured heavily and lightly. This is the second bombing happened to Mariott, it happened a few years before and killed more than yesterday's one. Among the current victims, there are some foreigners, all are important people who have high positions at their companies. Mariott is one of the most favorite places in Jakarta to held important meetings and it's also a branhc of Mariott in the States. As JI is, if Im not mistake, has quite big ill-feelings toward "America-related", no doubt they are the ones behind the scenes and no wonder people suspect them being the responsible ones.

I've read today's Kompas this noon, and there are at least 2 people who got injured physically and mentally because they are also the victims of the previous Mariott bombing. Poor them, they are scarred and traumatized. I'm really worried, it must have affected them so much. I honestly don't understand why the bombers, whoever they are, have to resort to go this extreme path....

Let's just say it is really JI who is responsible......their hatred of "western things" and how they applied their hatred in practice only make the situation worse for them. Not only rising negative thoughts of Indonesia's image, it's also affecting the Moslem's image as well. These days, ignorant people who rarely in contact with Moslems think that all Moslems are militants, evil, etc etc. On the other hand, some Moslems also think that Christians are barbarians (especially since Christians are allowed to drink alcoholic beverages). Oh lookie here, now we have a war based on religions and beliefs....

"Moslems are evil beings"....obviously not true. I'm Catholic, I've been raised by my family which consists of devoted Ctaholic/Christian/Confucian believers. However, being raised in Indonesia, who has the largest Moslem community in the world, is really helpful to show me that they are not evil.

"Christians are barbarians".....now this one, which I read last year during my thesis writing, I have to admit it really makes me pissed. Not surprising of course since I'm a Catholic myself. And by the way, the writer wrote it mainly because "westerners are violent and they drink a lot, that's why they are violent" sentence. Does it make any sense? Maybe yes, but it doesn't applied to ALL westerners (who ignorants usually think as Christians).

Anyway, back about the bombings.

Yesterday facebook was full of condolences and sympathy of the tragedy. However, some people chose to be heartless smartasses....

One of my junior for example. She wrote in her caption wall that it's better if they bomb the poor people so that Indonesia will has less of them and will give the image for foreigners, especially the Manchester United football team that supposed to came for a friendly match with our local teams.

.....I REALLY PISSED OFF, DISSAPOINTED, DISGUSTED.....whatever the words but yeah, that's my feelings even now.

So she thought it was a good joke huh? To wrote things like that? To laugh at the poor people? To wish for their death just to make a good name? How is it will give our country a good name? Really, I'm so pissed I can't even write my feelings properly in this journal.
One thing she doesn't know: my college mate's cousin is one of the victim of the bombings. I don't know if the cousin died or not (JESUS, PLEASE NO) but if my friend read it, I don't now what her feeling would be. And I told this to that insolent junior, told her that there is someone I know injured of it, and she apologized, said that she was "drunk" when she wrote it.

Read this girl:

I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF DRUNK YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT BUT YOU ARE A MOSLEM GIRL. MOSLEMS AREN'T ALLOWED TO DRINK. WHATEVER YOUR REASON WAS, IT WON'T CHANGE YOUR INSOLENCE AND WHAT I'M FEELING NOW ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!

And if she was "drunk" because she has problems with thesis, I really don't want to sympathize her. She is one of the main reasons why I don't have any respect AT ALL toward my juniors. They have never been a good example for their juniors and never done good things that will change their seniors' views of them. Period.

As for the Manchester United team....yeah, I can understand why people dissapointed with the situation. The team has canceled the schedule to come for some friendly matches with Indonesia, Malaysia, and 2 other countries I forgot which ones (I'm sorry...). It is a super bad news for the team's fans and for our local teams as well. It is a once in a life time's chance to play with one of the most famous teams in the whole world.

But the reason of the cancellation is understandable right? They supposed to stay at the Ritz-Carlton today but there was the bomb. Which is very fortunate for my view. It's definitely much better if they canceled it. And imagine what will happen if the bomb explodes when the team members are already in the hotel. MU has a history of bombing too. At 1954 or so, the plane the team were using had exploded before it can fly, killing 8 team members. It was a dark history of MU, one that also raised the team's name (more out of sympathy) which just got some outstanding members, the irony is....so heartbreaking.

Anyway, I really don't appreciate any jokes of the bombings. It's not something we can joke about, with so many people died and injured.


And that's my number one complain. There are still....some more, I don't know how many @____________@

Well, the second complain....not exactly a complain actually. My friends and I are supposed to hold a party today, for my farewell and to celebrate 4 of my friends' graduation. But I've decided to cancel it due to safety reasons. Besides, as I have mentioned above, one of friend's cousin got injured too. It's better not to celebrate anything in this sad situation. I'm feeling guilty already...


Third complaint? Hm, this is actually an old issue....but I only can bring myself to write it down now. Mainly because I'm busy and stressed, enough to make me too tired to write anything.

It's about my insolent juniors. Yes, like that "drunk" girl I've mentioned above. It's actually about her and her friends.

Let's start with said "drunk girl". I' don't want to say her name so I'll mention her as M instead.

M currently is writing her graduation thesis. She chose the theme of bushido combined with chan before. But now, due to smoe weird reasons came from her lecturer, she has to changed it (and so she did). I don't know her current theme. Anyway, when she was still in the bushido/chan theme, I helped her a bit since she seemed doesn't understand some parts.
Things started to get annoying a few months after that. And the reason is?

None other than the most famous Korean drama, Boys Before Flowers. Or Kkotboda Namja in Korean.

I'll be honest, I'm biased about this drama. It's an adaptation of a manga Hana Yori Dango, which had made quite a ruckus in Indonesia when the Taiwan movie version Metero Garden was aired a few years ago. I really dislike this drama, whichever version it is. I detest bullying, mainly because I myself got bullied mentally when I was little by an annoying-snobbish-rich girl classmate of mine.

So that M was all of a sudden busy spazzing over the drama, spent her time watching it over and over again, neglecting the thesis. Her status in facebook were all about the drama, and her friends have responded in the similar spazzing manners.

In the end, she was all panicking about the thesis, which was not going to make it on time. But when I asked her about it, she simply said she'll go through another semester to finish it.

I'm a kind of a girl who is taking work and responsibilities seriously. Ask my friends, they know about it very well. And so, that kind of attitude only makes me more and more annoyed with her. She was spazzing over the drama for some times, occasionally complained she didn't have money too. It was so dissapointing to the point I sarcastically teased her once, saying that if she has the money to buy pirated DVDs, she should do something better with them. Like, paying for thesis printing or something. Her reply? She said she was collecting the money to pay the for the next semester.


OH MY GOD THE NERVE OF THIS GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


And apparently she is not the only one like that.


4 of my friends, who graduated late because they got scholarships for exchange students, told me this. Among about some 40 students that are writing graduation thesis, half of them decided to take another semester. WHILE THEY ACTUALLY STILL HAVE ABOUT 2 MONTHS TO FINISH IT.

I can't be more disappointed. they think 2 months time aren't enough to finish it? I'VE FINISHED MY THESIS IN 2 MONTHS TIME!!! MAYBE LESS!! And my best friend has finished it in less than a month. A MONTH!!!!
They are just lazy-asses!!! No better word to describe! I hope at least some of them actually have at least a proper reason, like caught an illness or something....

And there is another one similar to M girl. Let's call her N now. She never came to see the lecturer to discuss about her thesis, She only came once, at the very start of the last semester and then appeared again only a week before her exam!! When one of the "killer"faculty scolded her for that, she reasoned she was ill. But to the lecturer responsible in guiding her, she admitted that she was afraid of her and that was why she never came.

......I really don't have any word to describe how ridiculous I found the whole thing.

That lecturer is 8 months pregnant!! She is pregnant, still teaching in class, still teaching in at another campus, going back and forth here and there, and she still want to help the linguistic students who ahve to come to her since one of the linguistic lecturer has to go to Japan. COME ONE GIRL, WHAT IS IT YOU'RE AFRAID OF A PREGNANT WOMAN???

Sensei, I really admire and respect you for your kind heart and patience. I honestly ashamed of such a junior. You're still taking care of them while you're with a child, I hope you will give birth safely to a healthy child. God bless you, sensei...

When finally it was the exam day for N, which was the same day as 3 of my friends, she came late. SHE CAME LATE. She was so lucky my friend's exam was delayed due to some reasons, else N will be grilled alive by the examiners.

And she was almost grilled alive indeed. Not only she came late, she also hasn't gave that pregnant lecturer her complete thesis, which was supposed to be given to her at least a week before the D Day, ans she hasn't go yoroshiku yet!!! Tsk, that was the best suicide moment...

(Note: yoroshiku is a Japanese term, which usually translated as "pleased to meet you" or "I will need your help from now on" or something similar like that. It is a humble word to show you are respecting other people. In this thesis writing case, it means showing respect to your examiners like saying "You'll be my examiner, please help me a lot so I can have confidence and can graduate")

Since she was in hiatus for a long time, she didn't even know they have to use their own laptops for presentation. In the end, she borrowed my friend's, which made us have to wait until she finished her exam. My friend and I was chatting for a long time of how ridiculous and annoying the situation that occurred at the time.

Another thing I found weird that day: only a very small number of her classmates were there to accompany the juniors who have exams taht day.

Last year when I have my own exam, almost all of our friends came. We were supporting each other by showing up at every exams except the day before our own exam and if one have some unavoidable problems. This year, there were only a few juniors, not even 10 people. My friends and I questioned it too. I wonder if their friendships are so....well, not in a good term or something (for the lack of a better word), that they were wondered off on their own businesses, or they probably were in panic because their own thesis haven't finished yet.

I honestly don't care.

They have showed how much insolent, rude and arrogant they are from the very first time they stepped in our major, I myself was a victim once.


And now, my last complain.

My last problem actually. My emotion has been up and down these days. I often can't sleep at nights, either I'm nervous and afraid, or too excited. I will depart to Switzerland next Friday, and I found out that I actually have to go ALONE. I thought I will have some friends because Allentine said she went with some friends. Turned out there are only 2 PGD students for Glion this semester and Iriana, the other PGD student, will depart a day after me from Singapore. Whew...

That, and I'm nervous of my english. I haven't spoke in a long proper english sentence for a long time, I hope I can manage there. No, I actually know I can manage. I know my english is quite good, I'm not trying to be vain here, it's a fact! And since Iriana was educated abroad since young, and she is from Management major, I'm sure she will help me a lot! Yoroshiku, Iriana!!!

Christ, please protect me and give me confidence! Help me to go through all of this....




I don't have anything to complain anymore I guess. That was a lot of writings in a day!! I actually feel better today. I've managed to bake 2 batches of brownies after a long time I didn't~

My source for the bombing news came from various media: Yahoo!News, Kompas, MetroTv, TransTV, a celebrity gossip show in TV (ridiculous but it's true), etc....credits go to all of them!!



I'll call it a day now.

Day 4: family, food, Church

I have a long day today


I started the day with fair mood but it changed through the day. See, today I was supposed to go to Mangga Dua to buy clothes and other things necessary for school abroad. She told me to prepare early. Turned out she has to help dad in surgery until 11.30 am and of course it wasn't what I think "early". Still mom insisted I have to go. I've tried to tell her that I wasn't in the mood anymore but did she listen to me? Like usual, no. She just went "okay be prepared, as soon as your dad finished lunch we'll go"...........and I was saying "I'm not in the mood..." but she just cut me in the middle.

What the.......well, that was enough to make me pissed.

But then just when I was trying to get up and change my clothes, she yelled from downstairs that we'll just go at Monday since she was tired and so did dad.


Why am I still upset about this? My opinions are rarely matters to them. Friends and family wise.

I remember when I was in school, from primary school until university, people rarely listen to me. I still remember when Etas snapped at me just because I was telling her about Kakek and his book. Furthermore, during our graduation day preparation, some of my friends who were the dominant voices in our grade went off to take some pics at kompleks candi. They just left Chibi, Ufie, Himmi and me, who were sitting on another table next to them in kansas, as if we weren't there.

If it was just me, I'm not surprised anymore. But they even left Ufie, Himmi & Chibi who are close to them!!! Such a nice friend....


Anyway, since today is Waisak and dad doesn't need to go to Depok, mom decided we would go to Church this evening. Yes, we did go but once again this so called "discrimination" occurred.

As usual, mom took a nap in my room. She seemed surprised when she saw my window's tills were dusty and began complaining that our maid hasn't clean it properly. (I'm not surprised really. Any normal human will found it annoying to clean things until no dust appear at all every single day, even mom does when our maids are going back home during Lebaran. But since maids' jobs are to clean I guess I have nothing to say). Then she told me to clean it, and so does my bamboo tablet, and she said it has to be clean when she woke up.

I've chose to do it later, I need to do my "meditation"......walking around the room with music in my ears. When mom woke up and saw me meditating and the window tills still dusty, she muttered under her breath "always says yes but not doing it" and then went out to take washcloths and gave one to me, silently orders me to clean my bamboo.

Mom didn't trust me, huh? Should I laugh or what?

But it really made me pissed.


And then it happened again.

I was already bathed from an hour & a half before, just because I have to apply make-up. But at the supposed departure time, my dad & gege haven't even take a bath! And I still could here Merlin's theme song from downstairs.........meaning that they were still watching TV. I asked my mom if we were really going and she simply said "Yes, we are! Dad & gege just need 5 minutes to bath!".

Okay, I know it, so I didn't rushing in changing. But then, when gege was in the bathroom after dad, mom came to my room and scolded me when she saw I still combing my hair and haven't change my clothes yet. Then she yelled again to hurry when I was in the toilet.


Do I......really have to say anything at all?


I was totally grumpy on the way to Church.

I don't know why, but Church is really a holy place I think. Either that, or it's because I'm raised as a good Catholic girl, I always found the Church so calming and nice. Even though I never say out loud the prayers, always mouthing only, and never sing any song, just listening to others sing them. No matter how bad my mood was when I entered the Church, I always feel better after the sermons ended (only failed once but usually like this) and that was what happened today.

Choi Siwon and Kim Junsu, We will be good friends indeed. I have to bring my rosary (and perhaps my bible and puji syukur too, if it's not too heavy) to Glion, and I have to find an English Catholic Church there or I'll really going to die of depression!!


By the way it happened again after sermons. During the last speech in Church I asked mom what will we have for dinner and my mom suggested to eat at Sate Senayan. She refused to eat Dudung (mutton soup) because the soup has a lot of fats and we both have cholesterol problems. So I agreed, we would eat satay.

Then when mom asked dad & gege in the car, gege seemed hesitant because he wanted to go home for work and he complained he always unlucky at choosing food in Sate Senayan. Dad then suggested Dudung take-away when he heard mom told him that was what I previously suggested. And then what happened? Mom said "Okay, Dudung then"

......................OMG?

And then gege suddenly said it was okay to eat satay and....of course we finally ate dinner at Sate Senayan.



Well.

Dad always the first in our family and gege always the second. I'm always at the bottom line.


I'm still irritated at being ignored but not as grudging as earlier today.


I'll just go do my mandarin homework now.


GANBATTE!!! JIA YOU!!! FIGHTING!!!!



I'll call it a day now.