Day 23: I'm feeling better~

Yea, I'm finally feeling better. After a lot of tears, lonely feelings, walk around the town, routine counseling which still last until now, chatting with parents and e-mails from Ruhafzo...


And finally.....I think I can say I've started a new life as a more independent (and perhaps uncaring?) person.


I don't care anymore if they leave me alone again, like what just happened last week, I don't care anymore if they ignoring me, if they won't talk to me. Whatever. It's their choice and my life. As a result, I'm not crying anymore now. Okay, maybe at times but in general, no. I also feel more free than before. How stupid of me to stick with them all the time, it wasn't worth it. Not with that snobbish girl who doesn't understand that I'm different with her. Or maybe she understands and doesn't like it. The point is, she's ignoring me & make it a very obvious one too.

But I also a lot more closer with my other friends. These days, I feel particularly close with Audrey, Ruhafzo, Gina, Thi, and the last ones are Sherry and KangHo. I even planning to go to eat Korean food together with Sherry and KangHo. Funny, because it was just today I talked a lot with them (and being dorks in general) with them.

But in general, I'm happy I'm close to them. They are different with my last group of friends, I feel more free....but I also need to remind myself to be careful and know my limits, I don't want to repeat those sad feelings again.

And today I have done Rooms Division presentation. They said I did a good job but I actually think I was so nervous and it was quite obvious. Well. I'm happy too, because I've done my 1st presentation with so multi-cultural group members. I finally learned about them and even can talk leisurely with Julian, Inna & Vadim. I thought I will regret this but now I can see it from the bright side. Thank you, God, for giving me this precious opportunity!!!


But at the same time, I got a bad news: I didn't pass my Rooms Division test T_________T I only got 6.3...

I know we still have the presentation mark & the final assessment but still....if I started this bad, I'm getting worried of what will happen afterward. I hope I can be better.


Now, another good news of the day: I got my B permit! Yay!! So I can go to Paris!

Although my interest in going is limited with the fact that I have to go with her & endure a lot of branded shopping....now I'm thinking that maybe I should just go during winter break so that I can stay at Marsha's place? I can use this mid term break as a chance to explore Switzerland. Or go to Ik Yang's place in Netherlands?
I'm still thinking.....

Another bad news now: I have another basic accounting test this Thursday and it'll be hell because I'm already depressed of those depreciation things. Sometimes I wonder why I'm taking this class....

Another good news: program leader said they maybe can do something to my allergy for CBL. And she said I can take a look for the schedule in academic catalog. So....bad news: I probably will finished by 11th Dec the latest. Good news: I will finish next semester by the 4th of June so I can attend Fina's wedding!!!! OMG best news so far!!!!


So for today, I'm generally feeling good after a lot of joking with my adorkable friends~

I'll call it a day now XD

Day 22: T______________T

Aku rasa aku punya kelenjar air mata super d...


See, it happened again!!! I'm crying again now.....

I'm really really confused....


I mean, I finally see some brightness today. I'm happy Julian shares the same view with me. He said he's also think Russian couple aren't contributing enough when it was her who started all of this at the 1st place. He even offered to talk to Mabillon if the situation stays like this...and to tell him that all of these are his & mine presentation but not theirs. Now that one is a bit extreme but in a sense, it's true. Hello, those two left us when we haven't done any work yet and only back at Thursday!!

And Julian even comfort me when I told him I'm worried with such a short time. I told him I'm worried since I've never done this before, that I'm nervous about presentation, that I can;t do this in the last minute...and he said I need to relax & I'll be fine during presentation bcoz he understands my english.

For the last line, I feel bad because he compared me with yesterday's supervision presentation. He said he didn't understand anything since the group's english is really bad and accented. But I can't blame them....they are all Chinese/Taiwanese that, except Kurt, are still have their accents. Poor Jeffrey, it was his birthday yesterday and the presentation was deemed bad...


On to top it all....I found out my stupid bunny leader Jay left his group today, due to misunderstandings. Now this is one thing I can understand....because his messages were about culture shock & homesick during his teenage days and as an American, he was very blunt in the way he talked about them. People just too quick to judge things.....and now he left to Seattle to sort his feelings out. And the fans started to feel bad because they later found he had changed his feelings and everything.

I wonder if I'm like that too now.....only, as an Asian born, I'm more introvert about it.


And as a result, I often cry.


Maybe in a sense it's a good thing? I can let out my feelings somewhat....

And Phuong has learned to leave me alone at times like this, thank God. I prefer that way...so I won't feel guilty making my friends, who are already busy with their own projects, worried about me.

And another factor of my tears, still related to darkness, is about the lights in our room. I think we don't have enough light, what about winter?? I hope it won't increase my minus eyes...


Dear Jesus, please help me gain more strength. How can I understand others when I can't even understand myself? I want to talk to my family, call them or anything, but it's like 2:30 am in Indonesia, I can't disturb them. They have other things to take care of. I hope engkong will get well soon....
And that's why I thank You for giving Jinji in my life, she's a very good friend & she always listens to my ramblings, no matter weird they are.
This time I don't care if I wake up with swollen eyes again tomorrow, at least I don't have class tomorrow.


I hope I can be stronger as the days passed. Jay, get back to your group, life isn't the same without you & your dorkiness~


I'll call it a day now...

Day 21: I'm.....numb?

At first I was worried.

Then I was annoyed. Really really annoyed.

My group mates are so irresponsible!!!!

Julian did work hard for the interview but he didn't realize our presentation is 2 weeks away....

I have no idea of what to write from that 1 1/4 pages of interview result....and how to make it a 3000 words report none the less.

Russian couple are away God-knows-where and will show up in class at Thursday.

Leaving me & Julian confused and have to work to find some info again.

Sweet.


Am I the only one panicking over the whole thing???

AM I too paranoid??

Maybe my tears are already dried up, strangely I'm not crying at all. Only shed some tears earlier today. I'm really looking forward to meet the student councilor....

Back to topic

I guess I should read some info about the whole RD things....if I'm not mistaken we have to do some analysis over this.

*sigh*


Maybe I should've take art path like my brother, at least I won't get frustrated over irresponsible group members and counting counting counting...


On the bright side, I got some info from Audrey about the prices of jackets here, plus cream for winter. Let's see if it'll work. Thanks, Audrey!! Get well soon!!

And poor Phuong....her request to get internship 1st got rejected!! They are so weird, she clearly stated that she has some financial problems and can't pay for the 2nd semester without working & they still insist her to finish 2nd semester 1st without giving advice or alternatives for her problems???


I...


I honestly don't know what to write or think right now...


I think I already gone numb about the whole thing...


I'm pretty sure I'll freak out again when the time is come



I'll call it a day now I guess.....

Day 20 : Why?

Whenever I wrote I don;t understand myself, I seriously mean it.

Because I don't understand why I'm so emo at nights here. Even now.

Even now, where I was happily chatting with my brother & parents before dinner. Where I was laughing --not literally-- of my own silliness, forgot to set the alarm clock and thus, woke up late and missed the morning messe. As a result I have to skip brunch and ate mi gelas, oatmilk and a few bites of waffle for lunch.

If this is what will always happen to me at nights, I don't know what will happen when winter actually comes. When there will be more nights than days.

And btw, this is also the 1st time I really want to skip a class. Really desperate to skip a class.

Why???


I don't understand. Do I hate that class that much? I know it's boring and such but I never wanted to skip a boring class, at least this much, before.

And at the same time I'm also worried about Rooms Division report. I know I'm paranoid but I'm really worried we won't make it. Especially since I have no idea of what to write for a 3000 words report with the interview result is so short, albeit quite descriptive and interesting. Should I include a history of Rooms Division in general and the hotel itself?

If that's the case, I guess I really should skip the class tomorrow. I'm sucks at research and writing reports, I always need a long time to do those so I better prepare myself. I can ask the others what the class will be about, and I'll catch up with their help.


In the mean time, I will try my best to figure out the reason of my insecurities, fear and whatever problems I have. Maybe I'll do a rosary prayer tonight, just to calm myself down (and I hope it'll really help me to calm down).


Right now I feel like there's something gripped my insides....what is it, I have no idea. I don't even have any idea of what that "insides" is....my heart? My feelings? I really really have no idea.


Why is life so difficult?

Why I always feel the time is too short?

When I can grow up?



I....don't even feel like closing the day at this rate.


Simply because I don't know and don't understand what's happening here, with me.


But I'll try to call it a day now, and hope it'll be better day by day.

Day 19: Again....

Yup, again and again and again...


Today started fairly well actually.

Both me & my roommate slept late yesterday and woke up late too. Ok, not really late for me since my eyes already opened since....I don't know, 8 maybe? It was quite a long time before my alarm, set to 9, started ringing. But it wasn't a problem, as long as I got enough sleep. Else I won't function properly.

So after brunch me & my friends went to Migros to buy some foods and body lotion plus face cream in the pharmacy. I don't know which product is good actually, I just follow the others. And maybe it was a slightly bad idea. I mean, I have no idea and I just followed what the others said because they know better than me. Sounds safe and sound. But the problem is, their views of the prices are different than me.

Quin told me l'occitane is good. It is good, I'm sure of it, especially since it's made in France. Obviously can cover the needs. However Iriana is a problem since she....I hope it's not only me....but she seems a bit cold to me. At least that's what I feel today. When I told her I need to buy a jacket, she told me it's better to buy something like H&M because to buy things here probably not very good in quality and with a high price too. I know it's true, I also think like that, but the problem here is I have to go to Montreux to reach H&M and I don't think I will have the time for that. But when I told her this, she simply shrugged. For me, it seemed skeptical. And she's the one who doesn't know the value of money too. It seems like she's too self-centered, or at least she doesn't want to listen to me and my needs.

Too bad, I need her help in this area since she is the one who already experienced snowy days.

In the end, I bought l'occitane face cream and body lotion, plus one nivea soft intensive cream in tube just to try. When we went to Coop I saw Dove body butter and since Iriana said body butter is better in some ways, I bought it too. In total, with the milk and everything, I spent more than 120 francs. Which means, I spent more than 1 jt Rupiah.




I honestly feel very very bad towards my parents. Yes I know the life here is very expensive and I also know what I bought are the necessities....but I also know that I'm very stingy. Which is an advantage in a lot of things, like I won't spend my money for unnecessary things.

My point is, I hope I can somewhat reduce my expenses. I don't know how, but I really want to. School fees are already expensive...


Btw..


Yeah, it happened again. Even though I went out today, have quite some fun and sad due to previous event, I suddenly feel down again at the moment.

And all it takes are supervision research and browsing wiki about HR.

I've decided I don't like hospitality supervision now. The class is boring and.....I can't explain why but I don't like it. In some ways, I kind of regret i dropped business planning and not supervision. In a matter of importance, supervision is more important. In a matter of class and way of studying, business planning is better. I have Iriana in both presentation groups so it's a 50-50 situation.

But seriously, the whole ordeal makes me worried about myself.


A simple curiosity and a peek of my future work interest has made me doubt myself again. I became worried, afraid, because I don't know what the future will bring and will I like it or not, can I handle it or not....why am I so easily scared and stressed?

My emotions can go up and down too easily. TOO easily. Why? When did this start? How did it happened?


I'm trying to focus on supervision project now, I'm worried since the day is near to my contemporary issues project. I honestly don't like it, with my easy-to-stressed condition and two presentations so near to each others....

I know I will suffer a lot.

That's why I'm trying to prepare myself since now, but it's also hard. I easily get distracted, quite moody in doing something, and my worried tendency--again, a big factor....


I don't even know what I can do.


But I can say that I'm more interested in my contemporary issues project rather than supervision one. Simply because my group mates in contemporary issues are much more nicer....and the topic is about culture.


This also makes me wonder, maybe I should've stayed in culture path. But both of this and supervision class are the ones who made me want to try HR.


So the conclusion is: I'm still confused. I don't know what will happen, I will leave all of this to my lovely Jesus Christ. I hope I will feel better after tomorrow's sermon. Maybe I'll do rosary prayer too tomorrow.


I'll.....call it a day now.

Day 18 : A day can make you proud and sad

It was quite....interesting today, I guess?


As usual in Friday mornings, I woke up at 7 to pamper myself with hot shower & light make-up......just to eat breakfast at 8 and then go back to sleep.

Thank God I have the courage (and sane mind) to quit Business Planning. I seriously will die of over-stressed if I do continue. Sorry, Mr. K, but this is my sanity that I'm putting into the life line here.

Anyway, I also cleaned up my room a bit. Yesterday I got an e-mail from the reception, saying that our room will be the exemplary room to show to Glion guests because our is always clean and tidy.

I'm proud of that, really proud~

But it seems like my roommate just doesn't understand why it is our room that got chosen. She doesn't mind, not at all, but she doesn't understand why.

That also makes me don't understand her. She has question marks label at times, at least for me.


By the way, at the noon, she & my band of girls decided to skip english due to presntation preparations. Life's pretty hectic for them now, I hope they'll be ok.
And honestly, I feel a bit envious towards my Taiwanese friend. It's true she has a lot of works to do, because all 3 of her presentations are near to due. But actually, if one look at it carefully, she will have a lot of free time after mid term break. While I'm still have 2 presentations, the days very near to each other, and I know I'll go crazy by the time.

Let's just hope I will survive.


Not to mention at the time it's proably already snowing....and I still remember Fina said snow brings a gloomy feeling.

As if I'm not gloomy enough now?


I still have my doubts time to time. A few days ago I was crying because I don't know what I actually want to do in life, whether I make a good choice or not, etc etc. And the trigger was pictures of my Brazilian friend in Switz.

In a matter of seconds, I started thinking "What am I doing here with these guys, these westerners? Do I really want to work with them?? What if I become like them??"

Okay that sounds a bit racialist but I won't deny that I am racialist, even only slightly.

I love my Asian background, my Chinese/Indonesian origin, and I don't want to change that. I'm pretty conservative and a lot of things here made me baffled and disappointed even. I often see the pictures of my westerner friends partying and I really really really really don't like that. The way they are partying is scary for me, perhaps because it includes a lot of alcohol/booze/smoke/disco/whatever that I never associated to in Indonesia. And I dislike it, which is purely because of stereotypes, and I don't wish to change it.

That's why I told my family and close friends I want to work at a place with large Asian community, such as Toronto, Singapore, Japan, South Korea....or even China and Taiwan, if my mandarin can get any better.

I've sent an e-mail to internship office today, I think I will visit them after lunch at Tuesday to ask for some infos. I'm still not sure if I really want to continue the next semester or not but I think it will be a great pity, a great loss, if I don't continue. I need the degree certificate and the knowledge. I admit I'm afraid (when I am not anyway?) to enter the work, because I have no idea what I will do and what I will encounter once I do, but I also often daydreaming of working in a hotel, in which I can earn money by myself and make my family proud because I manage to survive living abroad alone with me being mommy's girl and all.

HR and FO....I don't know which one is better. I have the brief ideas of working in FO, thanks to Rooms Division class, but HR...I completely clueless. That's why I need to ask the internship office, at least I can know some things to prepare my poor mental. I somewhat more interested in HR though, simply because Mizuno offered me a job in HRD before.

Besides, I'm from cultural studies. I have more interest in human lives, their cultures and society, rather than just counting counting counting and counting.

Also the very main reason why I suddenly decided to throw away F&B for hospitality. I didn't know that F&B has so many counting counting counting, so even though the lecturer is very nice, I simply not interested in the course itself. Too many countings. And I don't like designing menus either. I guess my interest in F&B areas are only because I like to cook and bake, with my own pace, and healthy foods at that.



I'll change the topic.


Weather here is suddenly dropped these days. Usually it was only the weekends that is very cold but now....it started to get cold even in weekdays.

Today's temperature in the morning was 7 and 18 in the afternoon. And it has been raining since yesterday. My poor umbrella ripped a bit but I still can use it.

I'm more worried about the cold spell though. I have sweaters and pullovers but warm jacket and clothes in general, I haven't got any chance to buy them yet. Now this is really worrying. I will visit the jacket shop tomorrow. Will be very dangerous if I can't find anything there. What if its' suddenly snowing?? It sounds impossible, considering now is supposed to be early autumn, but who knows? The weather here is unpredictable and global warming makes it worse...


I hope I can find something tomorrow....



And God bless Indonesia, I hope there will be no more victims or sudden natural disasters. I'm worried about my families and friends.....and the earthquake killed so many people too.....

I don't know what it means since I'm here, safe and sound albeit stressed, but a lot of people died and injured and suffered mental trauma.


I won't consider myself lucky.

But I will do what I can do....


I'll call it a day now.

Day 17 : .................?

As you can see....


I don't know what's wrong with me. I actually wonder if I actually know about myself.

I don't know what I want.

I'm not sure of what I need.

I don't know what to do to find out and answer those questions.

I don't know the purpose of my life and what I want to do in my life.

The last line is probably the worse.


My emotions still going up and down I see. About an hour ago I was crying, again, simply because I suddenly feel like I couldn't stand my life here. Like I couldn't stand what I'm doing here. Like I don't understand what am I doing here.

And I guess I really don't know the answers.

I wonder when will I be free from this up and down emotionally unstable attack, because this really affecting my performance in works.

I'm supposed to do research for tomorrow's group meeting but what did I do? I can't even concentrate, too tired and too deep in those thoughts full of anxiety.....

I'm lucky that nice but loudmouth roommate of mine is sleeping so she won't ask me things I'm probably not ready to answer of.


I think I'll skip breakfast tomorrow, I just want to sleep without distraction and alarm clock. Let's see if I can do that. Because I think I need those peaceful times.

Anyway, I'm worried because I'm not able to sleep late like I used to. If I don't get enough sleep, I can't concentrate in classes and only understand half of it.


Funny how I can feel like this. A few hours ago, after dinner, I still can laughed with my best friends. Half an hour after that, I was out for ice cream with my Chinese and Thai friends.

So how did it happen to be like this?

Last Saturday I went with them to visit the campus and the dorms there in Montreux. We even already decided which dorm we want to live in and with who, as if I already decided I want to stay.

Tsk, I rellay really underestimated myself.

So annoying....



In supervision class, it said that a good leader have to know him/herself.

Ha, I can't be a good leader then. Simply because I don't know myself.


Really, I don't know myself.


I'll try to do some more research before sleep. I guess crying really makes one feel better...

And maybe I should meet the student councilor again if the situation got worse or don't get better.




I'll call it a day. An emo day.