Day 20 : Why?

Whenever I wrote I don;t understand myself, I seriously mean it.

Because I don't understand why I'm so emo at nights here. Even now.

Even now, where I was happily chatting with my brother & parents before dinner. Where I was laughing --not literally-- of my own silliness, forgot to set the alarm clock and thus, woke up late and missed the morning messe. As a result I have to skip brunch and ate mi gelas, oatmilk and a few bites of waffle for lunch.

If this is what will always happen to me at nights, I don't know what will happen when winter actually comes. When there will be more nights than days.

And btw, this is also the 1st time I really want to skip a class. Really desperate to skip a class.

Why???


I don't understand. Do I hate that class that much? I know it's boring and such but I never wanted to skip a boring class, at least this much, before.

And at the same time I'm also worried about Rooms Division report. I know I'm paranoid but I'm really worried we won't make it. Especially since I have no idea of what to write for a 3000 words report with the interview result is so short, albeit quite descriptive and interesting. Should I include a history of Rooms Division in general and the hotel itself?

If that's the case, I guess I really should skip the class tomorrow. I'm sucks at research and writing reports, I always need a long time to do those so I better prepare myself. I can ask the others what the class will be about, and I'll catch up with their help.


In the mean time, I will try my best to figure out the reason of my insecurities, fear and whatever problems I have. Maybe I'll do a rosary prayer tonight, just to calm myself down (and I hope it'll really help me to calm down).


Right now I feel like there's something gripped my insides....what is it, I have no idea. I don't even have any idea of what that "insides" is....my heart? My feelings? I really really have no idea.


Why is life so difficult?

Why I always feel the time is too short?

When I can grow up?



I....don't even feel like closing the day at this rate.


Simply because I don't know and don't understand what's happening here, with me.


But I'll try to call it a day now, and hope it'll be better day by day.